On Lapeer Days, One-Hit Wonders, And The Fallacy Of "No Publicity Is Bad Publicity"...

     I'm well aware that damn near everyone who has stumbled onto this blog has already read this piece of mine, hence the reason you knew this blog even exists, but in the interest of at least having something up here until I get off my lazy ass and start putting new content up, you'll get this again and you'll damn well like it...

     (Originally posted August 21st, 2013)

Welcome to Lapeer, where at this point, no publicity would be the best publicity one could hope for.

     So, unless you've been living under a rock for the last 48 hours, you've no doubt heard about the incident involving the singer of Default... er, Lifehouse... Train? No... uh... the Calling! Yeah, that's it. You know, that band that had that song ten years ago. The one that someone once called "Song Of The Decade." (Although, if that song is the best the entire planet could do in a ten-year period, then clearly the 2000's were "The Decade When Absolutely Nobody Was Even Fucking Trying.")

     Anyway, their lead singer, Alex Band, claimed to have been "abducted" around 4 in the morning on Sunday, then beaten and "left for dead" on the train tracks at M-24. Several theories have been thrown about as to what went down that night, as one has to question: if he was just walking down M24 to find a store at 4 in the morning, why not just walk right behind your damn hotel to the Meijer that's open 24/7/365? At any rate, here's what we know to be the facts:

     - Band was found outside of Buffalo Wild Wings, per 911. Now, never mind that he claimed to have been kicked out of the van on the tracks on M24, where there is a gas station open 24/7, usually with a state cop or two in the parking lot, which makes me question not only how nobody saw this occur, but also why he didn't simply walk into the Clark station 100 feet away from said tracks and ask for assistance there. And if he were "left for dead" with a fractured spine as he claims, how in the fuck did he manage to walk a good mile and a half to Buffalo Wild Wings? I'm no doctor, nor have I ever damaged my spine in any way, but I don't think I'm overstepping my bounds in saying that I'm pretty sure there is no way in hell I'd be able to walk any further than the Clark parking lot without falling over in severe pain.

     - According to eyewitnesses, Band was at Fatboy's Bar and Grill (the dive bar in Lapeer, for those who don't know) around last call, asking patrons where he could score cocaine. He found a guy there who was willing to supply, and they exchanged numbers at the bar that night. It should also be noted that Band has something of a history with substance abuse, and it's believed to be part of the cause for the band's breakup in 2005.

     - The "reunited" Calling (of which Band is the only remaining original member) is preparing to release a new album, and the band's manager had sent a press release to CNN stating as such just before the "incident" occurred. Now, maybe I'm being overly cynical here, as happens from time to time, but the timing on this all seems suspect, to say the least. At the very least, I'm thinking Band and/or his manager changed the actual story a bit to put Band in the most favorable light and get the band the most publicity out of the whole thing.

     If you've heard the 911 tape, which was released by the band's manager, you're probably struck at how calm, almost lifeless, the band's manager sounds while on the phone with the authorities, and how he appears at first to be making assumptions on his own about what happened; he wasn't at the hotel and he's been found bleeding all over, so obviously he *must* have been kidnapped! Note that while the 911 call was released by the band's manager, no medical information has been released proving the injuries supposedly suffered by Band. I'd be rather curious, myself, to see the toxicology report from his ER visit; I'd be shocked if they hadn't drawn blood from him that night, nor were there any illicit drugs in his system.

     Now, watch the video of Band's recollection of the ordeal. I'll wait.

     A couple of things strike me as odd here: 

     - The fact that he can't even keep a straight face while telling the reporter that this was not a hoax, and he keeps looking away while trying to recall the details of his story. 

     - For his eye supposedly being so swollen he couldn't see out of it that night, you can barely tell here that there's anything wrong with it less than two days later. 

     - In fact, the only major physical ailments appear to be a cut on his chin, and a bandage over his nose. There's a faint trace of a black eye, and the pictures released to TMZ indicate no broken teeth or major cut inside his mouth, as was claimed by Band. 

     - As an aside, his half-assed description of his captors is almost laughable. One of them is described only as being 6'4 and... apologetic? How in the hell is that supposed to help in finding him in any way? "Be on the lookout for a kinda tall, really polite guy!" Another is described as a white male armed with a gun (no shit), wearing a camo cap, with a scruffy beard (Yeah, this doesn't describe about half of Lapeer County or anything...)

     So, it seems fairly obvious that we're not being told the whole story, or the story we're being told is a total fabrication. The most popular story circulating is that he was beaten by his own bandmates, and there's a certain bit of plausibility in that. Yet at the same time, this guy's their meal ticket, and they're just hired guns at this point. Why would they go and try to fuck that up for themselves? Another suggests that since the band were tremendous assholes to the Lapeer Days staff, started almost an hour late, playing a shortened show and demanding full payment, that might be a motive for someone to cause him bodily harm. My theory? Dude went to try and score some drugs, got high and passed out somewhere, explaining how he fucked his face up, then he or his manager came up with this "kidnapping" story to make it look like he wasn't a total junkhead, but rather an innocent victim of a senseless crime.

     And if that's the case, then maybe we'd have all been better off if the bastard would have just OD'd. Seriously, Lapeer has received so much bad press over the last few years for the actual stupid things we've done, the last thing we need is some has-been one-hit-wonder junkie trying to use us again to try and jump-start a career that's long past it's expiration date. Sure, we've made national news several times of late, but it's rarely, if ever, for anything positive going on here, and stories like these only serve to reinforce the stereotype about Lapeer being a ghetto-hick shitpile. You don't think that this incident isn't going to make it that much harder to attract name acts to Lapeer from here on out? I mean, if you want nothing but warmed over 60's acts with maybe a roadie at most from the original band, that's great, but good luck getting anything other than one step closer to Lapeer's complete and utter irrelevance.

     At the same time, it looks like this warmed-over Eddie Vedder ripoff's attempt to revive his career might just end up backfiring on him after all; even the national media is calling him out for, at the very least, embellishing his story, and if a poll on TMZ's site is to be believed, the majority of the public see through the facade as well. Now, I'm not much a schadenfreude kinda guy, but... who the hell am I kidding, I absolutely am! And it would give me no small amount of pleasure to watch this guy's comeback attempt crash and burn, and for him to slink back off into obscurity, where he's been for the last decade. Y'know, after everyone forgot about that "Wasting My Time" song that was such a big hit for them...